11/11/2005 Red, hell, wear black! Someone has proposed wearing red on Fridays to purportedly support the troops. They want you to wear Red because that is the Republican color. They think you support the troops by wearing a certain color shirt or putting a magnetic ribbon on your car! They hope that support for the troops will be mistaken as support for this illegal war. If you really want to support the troops, write your congressman and senators and demand that our boys be brought home. Too many have died for a lie. But as long as our troops are in harms way, demand that they be sufficiently supplied. Our boys shouldn't have to scrounge for bits of metal to jury-rig "hillbilly armor" on their vehicles. Demand that they should receive all the other supplies they need. Especially the reservist units. You wouldn't believe how shabbily they have been treated. Cooks in regular units have been given body armor while some in front-line reservist units went without. Parents shouldn't be forced to purchase body armor and send it to their sons in combat because the army has insufficient supplies. And our troops should never have shortages of ammo and food. That is just beyond the pale! Republicans make a big show of supporting the troops, but Bush proposed cutting their imminent danger pay from $225 to $150 in 2003! What a collosal jerk. Also support our veterans by demanding that our VA hospitals should be sufficiently funded. The lack of funds has really effected the level of care and our veterans should not be asked to pay a deductible or have an income below a certain level to receive treatment. That is the least we can do for those who bled and put their lives on the line for our country. I'll be damned if I'll wear the colors of the party that has misused our boys and thrown away so many of their lives for a lie. I will be wearing black on Fridays in mourning for those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for Bush's folly. Top Ten Reasons To Dump Bush in 2004! 1. stole election in Florida 2. ignored warnings that Al Qaeda was about to attack 3. opened U.S. to 3rd world trade taking away our jobs 4. opened our borders to flood of Mexican immigration 5. damaged environment to enrich corporations 6. deficit spending taxes future generations 7. irreponsible tax cuts for the rich 8. lied about Iraq to justify war 9. eroded our civil rights 10. broke down separation of church and state Ten reasons just weren't enough! 11. Pissed away the opportunity to go after Al-Qaeda by starting an unecessary war in Iraq. (thanks Bill) 12. Isolated US from our allies 13. supports making it easier for companies to not pay overtime 14. anti-Abortion stance 15. endangered American motorists by opposing safety inspections on Mexican trucks entering US 16. He is making stem cell research virtually impossible. 17. Bush's Job Czar, Anthony Raimondo, was pesonally responsible for laying off workers in Nebraska and outsourcing their jobs to China. 18. Forcing people to sign loyalty oaths to attend his campaign rallies! -------------------------------------------------------------------- some notes on the top 10 list: 1. He subverted democracy by using the courts to prevent all the votes from being counted in Florida. Independant recounts showed that under 6 out of 9 scenarios, Bush lost the election. Not to mention people illegally thrown off voting rolls, police road blocks set up near polling places in African American areas! 4. He agreed with the president of Mexico to vastly increase the number of Mexicans flooding into our country. The United States accepts over 900,000 legal immigrants each year. His plan will end illegal immigration by throwing the doors wide open. US workers can plan on having their wages drop dramatically as they are forced to compete with 3rd world workers who will work for much less. 5. supported drilling in Artic wildlife refuge 6/13/2002 Bush Administration relaxes air pollution rules for U.S. utilities 7/13/2003 Bush Administration proposal to lift a ban on logging in remote areas of national forests 7. Tax cuts for the rich. Tax cuts should primarily go to those who need tax relief the most, the poor and middle classes. I believe in the trickle up theory. Give a poor person a dollar and sooner or later (probably sooner) it will end up in the pocket of a rich person. 10. On December 12, 2002 Mr. Bush after failing to get Congress to support his "faith-based initiatives" issued an executive order allowing government money to go to religious charities and mandating that religious groups receiving federal funds would be able to discriminate against job applicants on the basis of religion. On Jan. 22, 2003 — The Bush administration plans to allow religious groups for the first time to use federal housing money to help build centers where religious worship is held, as long as part of the building is also used for social services. His proposed school vouchers scheme will suck money out of those public schools that need it the most. Using Tax money for religious based charities is unconstitutional. If God supports a church, it doesn't need help from the government. If God does not support a church, it doesn't deserve our help. Keep church and state separate! 12. Going forward on a missle defense system in violation of ABM treaty. Opposes UN efforts to stop illegal gun sales Renounced Kyoto Protocols Opposed treaty to verify destruction of chemical warfare arms 14. W claimed he was going to unite the country and one of his first acts was to bring up the abortion issue. He did not cut off funding of abortions in overseas clinics. He cut off funding for family planning at clinics that offer abortions using their own money. Less family planning will actually increase the number of abortions performed at those same clinics. 15. Bush threatened to veto a bill requiring Mexican trucks to pass safety inspections to drive in the US. 17. Bush has gotten $440,000 and the Republican Party has gotten $3.6 million from the corporations that have outsourced the most jobs, including American Express, Bechtel, and several computer companies. The state of Texas, under the leadership of Governor George W. Bush, was ranked: 50th. Spending for teachers salaries 47th Delivery of social services 42nd Child support collections 49th Spending on the environment 48th Per capita funding for public health 41st Per capita spending on public education 1st % of poor working parents w/o insurance 5th % of population living in poverty 1st % of children without insurance 1st Air and water pollution Bush has already done an incredible amount of damage in only 3 years. Pray for the republic!
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." Excerpted from "Bushisms, The First Term, in His Own Special Words." compiled by Jacob Weisberg: "There's an old saying in Tennessee-I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee-that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me-you can't get fooled again." "I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure." "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." "Actually, I-this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about-when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." "I think it's very important for world leaders to understand that when a new administration comes in, the new administration will be running foreign policy." "The reason I believe in a large tax cut is because it's what I believe." "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." "I think we agree. The past is over." "They said, 'You know, this issue doesn't seem to resignate with people.' And I said, you know something? Whether it resignates or not doesn't matter to me." "I know something about being a government. And you've got a good one." "Oftentimes we live in a processed world-you know, people focus on the process and not results." "Never again in the halls of Washington, D.C. do I want to have to make explanations that I can't explain." "We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." "I think war is a dangerous place." "This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses." "First, let me make it very clear. Poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." "I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." "Smart comes in all kinds of different ways." "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." "Arbolist. Look up the word. I don't know, maybe I made it up. Anyway, it's an orbo-tree-ist, somebody who knows about trees." "John Thune has got a common sense vision for good forest policy. I look forward to working with him in the United Nations Senate to preserve these national heritages." "It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." "This California crunch really is the result of not enough power generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." "First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country." "My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the-in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen." "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile." "There's a lot of people in the Middle East who are desirous to get into the Mitchell process. And-but first things first. The-these terrorist acts, and, you know, the responses have got to end in order for us to get the framework-the groundwork-not framework, the groundwork to discuss a framework for peace, to lay the-all right." "The United States and Russia are in the midst of a transformationed relationship that will yield peace and progress." "But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe." "Keep good relations with the Grecians." "I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will." "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three nonfatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." "We need to counter the shock wave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates." "The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating, I mean I spoke out on interracial dating. I spoke against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating." "Laura and I are proud to call John and Michelle Engler our friends. I know you're proud to call him governor. What a good man the Englers are." "And, most importantly, Alma Powell, secretary of Colin Powell, is with us." "We'll be a great country where the fabrics are made up of groups and loving centers." "Our priorities is our faith." "Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband, George, were visiting with us. They are near retirement-retiring-in the process of retiring, meaning they're very smart, active, capable people who are retirement age and are retiring." "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." "Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis." "The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." "And so, in my State of the--- my State of the Union-or state-my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation, I asked Americans to give four thousand years-four thousand hours over the next-the rest of your life-of service to America." "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself but for my predecessors as well." "I'm not going to accept a lousy bill out of the United Nations Senate." "I want each and every American to know for certain that I'm responsible for the decisions I make and each of you are as well." "I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values." "They misunderestimated me." Chicago Sun Times Editor Zay N. Smith reported these quotes by George W. Bush: On the economy: "We ought to make the pie higher." Praising single mothers who he says work hard "to put food on your family." Tom Tomorrow in "This Modern World" quotes George W. Bush as saying: "I've got a record, a record that is conservative and compassionated." "There is madmen in the world, and there are terror." "The Senator has got to understand...he can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." "We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself." Garry Trudeau in "Doonesbury" quotes George W. Bush as saying: "We want our teachers to know how to teach the science of reading, in order to make sure there's not this kind of Federal cufflink." "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington D.C., is close to California." "I understand small business growth. I was one." "The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case." "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." "Will the highways on the internet become more few?" "Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?"
The ratings for Bill O'Reilly's show have risen 34 percent since he was accused of sexually harassing a female producer ... 34 percent! This is the best news for Bill O'Reilly since the hands-free telephone. This is unbelievable. Neither Bush nor Kerry has gotten a flu shot and both said today they won't get one. Ralph Nader also said he wasn't getting a flu shot. Though in his case he doesn't need one, because he doesn't come in contact with any large crowds. In Ohio today John Kerry went duck hunting. President Bush quickly said it was just a photo op. The strange thing was that Bush said this while in a flight suit on an aircraft carrier. You can tell it's autumn by the chilly reception President Bush received at the U.N. Martha Stewart is going to jail and Cat Stevens has been deported. I feel safer with them off the streets! They can arrest Cat Stevens but can't find Osama bin Laden. Communism has a new slogan in Cuba: "I've fallen and can't get up!" Today a reporter asked President Bush if it was fatal and he said, "No, its pronounced Fidel." It's getting uglier and uglier out there - Teresa Heinz Kerry said she doesn't know if Laura Bush has ever held a real job. Laura Bush fired back. She said she was busy raising three kids - Barbara, Jenna and George W. That is a full-time job. The election is winding down. About the only thing left is the last-minute tinkering with the voting machines in Florida, and we're ready to go. Early voting has started down in Florida. So far there have been computer glitches, long lines and chaos. Today President Bush said, "Mission accomplished!" The "early voting" was followed by "early screw-ups," "early intimidation" and "early lost ballots" You know why Florida has started voting this week? ,primitive places like Florida and Afghanistan need longer to count the votes. These primitive cultures ... Well, today is October 19, which means there only 15 voting days left in Florida. Have you heard Florida's new slogan? "Hey, let's screw this one up early." What is the difference between Viet Nam and Iraq. Bush had a plan to get out of Viet Nam! Police in Pennsylvania are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a George Bush mask. They know it wasn't actually George Bush because this guy had an exit strategy to get out of the bank. Once he was in the bank, he knew he had to get out. Today Martha Stewart got her first phone call. The bad news: It was from Bill O'Reilly. You know what's fascinating about this - you've got Bill Bennett gambling, Rush Limbaugh on drugs, and Bill O'Reilly being sued for sexual harassment. Apparently, being conservative is a lot more fun than it used to be. What a crowd! You sound like Al Franken when he heard about Bill O'Reilly. It's unbelievable. According to these allegations, O'Reilly talked to this woman about phone sex and sexual fantasies and vibrators. Bill O'Reilly? It's always the quiet ones, isn't it? This woman claims O'Reilly had phone sex with her three times against her wishes. Three times. The first time, maybe, but that second- or third-time call ... wouldn't you be looking at your caller ID after that? Gee, it's O'Reilly ... I wonder what he wants! I was thinking about all of this. First Mike Wallace had that run-in with a limo driver and they took him to jail. Then Dan Rather gets caught with a fake memo, and now Bill O'Reilly is being sued for sexual harassment. Do you realize the most trusted newsman in America is now Geraldo Rivera? Sparks were flying again today. Al Gore accused President Bush of using religion to support his presidency. And George Bush fired back that Al Gore's just mad because "God made me president." Now they say the campaigns are gonna get even more negative. Is that possible? One side is calling the president "a complete idiot." The other side is calling a war hero with a chestful of medals from Vietnam a "coward." How do you get more negative than that? This election the candidates are using those recorded phone messages. Anybody gotten one? Last night I got a call from Ralph Nader. It was collect. John Kerry now blaming President Bush for what's happening with the flu. Bush shot right back and said, "It's pronounced 'Fallujah,' smarty pants." Here's some good news. Federal officials say they found another 2.6 million doses of flu vaccine, which they will be able to distribute in January. That is, if Bush wins. If he doesn't, they might accidentally "lose it." That's good news, huh? We'll have more vaccine in January. So that means your grandmother will only have to be in line for another two months. John Kerry said today that Bush was planning a "January surprise" if he's re-elected. Hey, if we know who's going to be president by January that will be a surprise, don't you think? Over the weekend, President Bush told a crowd of supporters in Florida that he is the best protection from the draft. That's not true. Bush's dad was the protection from the draft. Candidates are using a lot of boxing metaphors. President Bush kept quoting boxer Joe Louis: "You can run but you can't hide." John Kerry quoted Muhammad Ali: "Is that all you got?" And today Ralph Nader quoted Mike Tyson: "I'm broke." And the rumor is that it'll be like the last time. Kerry will win the popular vote and Bush will win the electoral votes. And they say Americans could spend weeks not knowing who's really president, Bush or Kerry. Hey, is that so bad? We spent the last four years not really knowing who is president, Bush or Cheney. Here's an embarrassing incident - on two Bush-Cheney billboards in New Jersey Dick Cheney's last name is spelled with an "a" instead of an "e." So apparently Bush really is in charge of his own campaign! President Bush boasted the other night that elections were held in Afghanistan over the weekend, and he said, "The first voter was a 19-year-old woman." She was also the 7th voter, the 12th voter, the 20th voter ... The Chief U.N Weapons Inspector says that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. President Bush is calling the timing of the announcement a clever political ploy. Those sneaky Democrats are now resorting to the truth. Did you see Edwards and Dick Cheney together? It was like Mr. Wilson yelling at Dennis the Menace. "Get off my lawn!" My question is, if Cheney's debating tonight, who's running the country? You don't think? During the debate President Bush was in the oval office with the TV on. He was cheering, he was screaming, he was jumping up and down, he was watching the Yankees game. I love how the candidates always spin things this close to an election to make it sound so good. Like today President Bush was asked about the eruption at Mount St. Helens and he said, "It was good news for the folks who make lava lamps." Both sides are using every angle. Like they just released x-rays that show shrapnel still lodged in John Kerry> '> s leg from Vietnam, so the white house is fighting back. They're releasing x-rays of bits of pretzel lodged in the back of President Bush's throat. Here's some good news - he's in good shape - Prime Minister Tony Blair is recovering from a minor operation to correct a heart flutter. Doctors said his heart started when he watched President Bush trying to explain what's going on in Iraq. President Bush got some bad news today. Another debate on Friday. Political experts say President Bush was off his game last night. He looked distracted, confused, a little at a loss for words. Off his game? That is Bush's game! It was hard - do you want the rich white guy who went to Yale and wears a red tie or the rich white guy who went to Yale and wears a blue tie? We have such chooses in our country. It was like a boxing match, wasn't it? The big head vs. the air head. I guess a lot of people thought Kerry won the debate the other night. Even a lot of Bush supporters thought he won. Bush did not have a good night. He hasn't choked this bad since last time he had a pretzel. President Bush attended the opening of the Smithsonian's American Indian museum in Washington, D.C. President Bush said he was proud of the history of the Indians and proud that the white man could come to this country to liberate them and bring the democracy. Are you folks excited about the election and the debates? Thursday the first debate is in Florida - and I think that's because it's a thank you from George W. Bush for the last crooked election. Speaking of that, Ralph Nader says he is going to participate in the presidential debates. Okay, he'll be at home yelling at the screen, but... John Kerry is saying that if Bush is reelected he has a plan to bring back the draft. President Bush responded, "Don't worry, even if we do bring it back there are plenty of ways around it." The first presidential debate took place tonight. At the start of the debate President Bush won the coin toss allowing him to have the final word. Not surprisingly the final word was "courageosity". Teresa Heinz Kerry predicted at a fundraiser the other day that Osama bin Laden will be captured just before the election. Of course when President Bush heard he was furious. He said, "How did she find out? According to a new book coming out when on National Guard duty President Bush would sneak off to smoke marijuana. When President Bush heard this he said, "That's ridiculous, I never showed up for National Guard duty." John Kerry said at a recent campaign rally that the middle initial "W", in the president's name, stands for "wrong". And President Bush fired back in his typical manner. He said "the middle initial "f" in Kerry's name stands for phony." Actually Bush got the last laugh. He said "everybody knows wrong starts with "R". President Clinton got 10,000's of thousands of get well messages. Which was nice. President Bush said a prayer for him, Jesse Jackson went to see him in person, Rush Limbaugh sent over pain pills. I thought that was nice. Everybody did what they could. According to a new poll out today Ralph Nader is down to 1% of the popular vote. Now it seems to me if you're at 1% can you still call it the popular vote? Isn't the pretty much the "what the hell are you doing in this race vote?" The "New York Daily News" says that Bill O'Reilly has been telling friends that he's thinking of running for office. Now, a couple of months ago Al Franken said he was thinking of running for office too? Wouldn't it be great if they both ran for the same office? How much fun would that be? An official at the U.S. State Department said today that the U.S. is close to capturing Osama bin Laden...and we'd be even closer if Bush were behind in the polls. In Aiken, South Carolina, a masked man held up a bank using a rusty pitchfork. Oh my God, I think Zell Miller is starting to lose it. According to the latest polls taken right after the convention, President Bush is way up, way up today. In fact, they said if the election was held today, the Supreme Court would reelect him 7-2. Closer than the last time. Both Bush and Kerry are focusing on the battleground state of Ohio. See Bush knows that no Republican has ever won the white house without winning Ohio. But then before Bush, no Republican had ever won the white house without winning the election. In an interview with "USA Today", former First Lady Barbara Bush said she tries to avoid news coverage of world events. So apparently it's hereditary. Today George W. Bush campaigned in 3 states. Ignorance, denial, and stupidity. After the convention ended last night some construction workers came in and began tearing down the set. And of course President Bush was thrilled, these are the first new jobs Bush has created in four years. Tonight in New York City, the Republicans began their convention in the traditional way - with a prayer . . . for more money. A lot of Republicans arrived at the convention in swift boats, or as they call them, yachts. Scary moment for Dick Cheney - he was on Air Force 2 when a small plane came towards them. Air Force 2 had to take emergency action to avoid hitting it. For a minute there, George Bush was this close to becoming acting president. VP Dick Cheney spoke tonight at the convention. His speech was interrupted 15 times by applause and 5 times by heart attacks. Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney visited Ellis Island. Do the younger kids know what Ellis Island is? It's now considered an 'out-of-date' immigration center. It's where foreigners would identify themselves, take medical exams, and prove they were employable before they could enter the United States legally. Well, you see why it's out of date. We don't really do that anymore. It was called "the gateway to America". Not anymore. Today the official 'gateway to America' is a hole in the fence right over here in San Diego. In the war on terrorism - Osama bin Laden's cook and chauffeur have been captured. You get the feeling this is not the big victory republicans were hoping for.... More good news. It seems we're now closing in on bin Laden's pool boy and Pilates instructor. The Republican National Convention is going on right now here in New York. A lot of the delegates have been attending Broadway shows. A spokesman for the delegates said that this is the first time a lot of us have ever seen what a gay person looks like. Here's the hypocrite of the week award, in Virginia, Congressman Ed Schrock, who opposed gay marriage and gays in the military suddenly dropped out of the race after allegations came out he called some gay sex hotline. You know who answered the phone? The Governor of New Jersey! The Log Cabin Republicans, you know who they are. They don't like Hillary Clinton but they love what she's done with her hair. Our USA team ended up winning 103 medals - although today, a group of Vietnam swift boat veterans came forward to say that our athletes really didn't earn all their medals. Even President Bush said today he was really impressed when he saw the footage from Greece. Bush said it's hard to believe that's the same place they filmed that John Travolta movie. Good news today for Florida, they've just selected the observers who will work on Election Day to make sure the votes are counted fairly. The bad news, it's the Olympic gymnastic judges. Of course the worst moment at the Olympics was when the "nut" ran out of the crowd during the marathon and grabbed the front-runner. Doesn't that make you mad? Here's a guy who couldn't win a race by himself, so he decided to get publicity by ruining the chances of the man who should have won. You know, he's like "the Ralph Nader" of the Olympics. Here's a big surprise in the latest polls - it now seems Ralph Nader is now in the double digits. There's something like 12 people who say they'll vote for him. Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke tonight at the convention. At first they were planning on having Arnold speak on the same night as President Bush but, then they realized, oh no, the convention interpreter's head would have exploded. If you're a delegate and going to the convention you're going to get frisked, patted down, groped - and that's just by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Security is very tight at the Republican Convention. In fact, even the NRA people are only allowed to bring one gun each. One gun per person. I guess read this in "Time" magazine today, President Bush now says the problems we're having in Iraq are because we won the war too quickly. He says the war was "a catastrophic success." He's also calling the economy a "disastrous achievement." The highlight will be at the end of the week when President Bush shows up for one day - you know just like he did in the National Guard. The Republican National Convention starts next week here in New York City. That means next week you won't be able to find a cab or a hooker. President Bush is sending aide to Florida after the hurricane. Not to help the people but to rig the voting machines. President Bush is speaking in Michigan. There should be a good turnout - no one in Michigan has a job to go to. In the polls President Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So the Bush administration put a banner on the White House that says, "Mission Accomplished!" The Republican Convention is coming to town. It's coming up at the end of the month. Everyone is getting ready for the convention. The crack dealers are switching to Viagra. Secretary of Stae Colin Powell announced yesterday that he will not be attending the Republican Convention. Uuhh ooh...so I guess they're going to have to find another black guy. Yesterday President Bush was in Florida where he asked voters to once again send him to the White House. Voters in Florida said, "Hey, we never sent you in the first place. That was the Supreme Court." This Department of Homeland Security also announced today it's nearly 90% certain that Peter Parker is Spiderman. President Bush is back in Washington, D.C. That's where he goes when he wants to get away from his ranch in Texas for a few weeks. Bush - Cheney have a new campaign theme - "heart and soul". I think that sounds better than their first choice - oil and gas. Today president bush said he's working hard to cut off al-Qaeda's finances. He says he wants to bankrupt them. And believe me, he's the man to do it. He drove three companies into bankruptcy, what's one more? Well the "L.A. Times" reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough - in fact today he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45%. Today in Iowa President Bush said the other side, meaning Kerry and Edwards, just "talks a good game." Well at least nobody can accuse Bush of that. Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions? Like at the Democratic Convention, Kerry's daughter told a story about how her dad once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican Convention, the Bush girls are going to tell the story of how, when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair. "The Village" was the number one movie making $51 million. It's all about these villagers who get attacked by these creatures who live in the woods. President Bush said, "See what happens when you don't cut the trees down!" The number two movie "The Manchurian Candidate" is about a man running for president and the huge, powerful corporation trying to control him. I think the real name was the "The Man-Cheney Candidate". John Kerry and John Edwards recently published their political promises and strategies in a book. You see that's smart putting all their ideas in a book. This way they're certain to keep them secret from Bush. John Kerry was surrounded by his old war buddies on the stage tonight. Not to be out done President Bush plans to surround himself with his old college drinking buddies. Today another Conservative Republican came out against gay marriage - Ken Lay. Republicans are also looking for ways to boost President Bush's approval rating. They might have him land on an aircraft carrier wearing a Spiderman costume. I'm sure you've heard - there's talk of the possibility of delaying the presidential election in the event of a terrorist attack. Which would mean an even longer presidential campaign. I got an idea - how about moving up the elections instead? Let's have them next week and get this thing over with. How many are sick of it already? Imagine if they delay the election? This could mean that Bush would be the longest serving president never to get elected. Here's something shocking - according to the latest issue of "Newsweek" magazine, the Bush administration officials are reviewing a proposal that would allow for the postponement of the presidential election in the event of a catastrophe. You know like Kerry winning. The Republicans say they don't want the terrorists to determine the election - no, they want the Governor of Florida to do that. Florida officials have announced that this November they will allow felons to vote. You thought Bush stole the election last time. Now he'll be working with pros! A defiant George W. Bush intends to serve two terms in the white house; Al Gore's and then his. Today in the senate an amendment banning gay marriage was put down. Afterwards Republicans said that we're not giving up - if we can't ram it down their throats we'll get through the backdoor. It was so hot today, executives from the NAACP tried to meet with President Bush just so they could get the cold shoulder. In fact it was so hot today, Bush said, "That's it, we may have to postpone the presidential election. Some members of the Republican leadership are urging President Bush to drop Dick Cheney from the ticket. Dick Cheney says that he will be replaced over his dead body. Then the Republican leadership responded - "Hey we can't wait until next Thursday. We got to move now!" The Republican National Convention is coming to New York City. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to speak. I believe this will be the first professional bodybuilder to speak at a convention since - well Janet Reno. The Republican National Convention is coming up at the end of August here in New York City. Here's what's happening. Hundreds of strippers and hookers from all over the world are coming to New York City for the Republican National Convention. Well President Bush said he was going to create jobs, so that's pretty good. Dick Cheney was at the ball game last night. During the 7th inning they showed him on the jumbotron at Yankee Stadium and everyone started booing him. You know Dick Cheney has a temper. He went a little crazy and went around the stadium and grabbed everyone that booed him and then he ran them all around naked on a leash. How many of you were in town yesterday and say the gay pride parade? Let me tell you it was refreshing to see a pyramid of naked men that was not in violation of the Geneva Convention. Have you heard about this controversial new movie "Fahrenheit 9/11"? I hope Bush isn't too angry about this film. No one wants to see Michael Moore in a naked pyramid. Iraq has taken over custody of Saddam Hussein. On Thursday Saddam will face a judge. On Friday he should be president again. All of Saddam henchmen are facing trial too. This will be the first time that they will all be together since Chemical Ali's skating party. Interrogators say that Saddam is arrogant. He's defiant. He thinks he's still popular and that people love him and he thinks he's still president - no, wait that's Bush. Here's a question which will last longer? Britney's marriage or the new government in Iraq? Today the Washington Post revealed that in 2002, the Justice Department sent a memo to the White House justifying the use of torture. Torture - that's our Department of "Justice" - they say "it's OK to torture people." What's the Department of Education doing, burning books? According to the "New York Times", last year white house lawyers concluded that President Bush could legally order interrogators to torture and even kill people in the interest of national security - so if that's legal, what the hell are we charging Saddam Hussein with? As you know President Bush was in Normandy last weekend to mark D-Day. In fact today President Bush said he was so impressed with what he saw, he announced today he's sending more troops to Normandy. President Bush was in France for the anniversary of D-Day. I'm not quite sure he gets it - he said he wants to make sure we don't forget everyone who also helped on out on A-Day, B-Day and C-Day. Saturday is the senior President Bush's 80th birthday and he's going ahead with plans to skydive into [the grounds of] his Texas presidential library. George W. Bush may attend, and of course he's nervous. As he always is when he goes near a library. According to a report, bullets are getting scarce in Iraq. We're actually running out of bullets. Fortunately the military has a reserve supply of ammo. Well, thank God for these rap stars - if it wasn't for them we wouldn't have all this extra ammunition. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again! Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a bitter place, one country at a time Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars! Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now! Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind. Bush/Cheney '04: Over a billion Whoppers served. Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us! Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder! Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil Don't think. Vote Bush! George W. Bush: A brain wave away from the presidency George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot. Vote Bush in '04: "I Has Incumbentory Advantitude" Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer! Vote for Bush & You Get Dick! Who would Jesus Bomb? Bush/Cheney '04: "Leave no child a dime!" The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison. According to several sources over the weekend U.S. forces bombed a wedding party in Iraq. Apparently Bush thought it was a gay wedding. As I'm sure you know on Thursday, Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad. The bad news for President Bush - he came back. He visited that famous prison. He says he now has the soldiers under control. In fact, I understand he's got them on a very short leash. They asked President Bush today why we didn't observe the Geneva Convention in Iraq and Bush said, "That's easy, we weren't in Geneva." George W. Bush - I wouldn't trade that mans troubles for a monkey on a rock. There is still no timetable for when we will get out of Iraq - but the Bush administration expects it will be sometime early in the Kerry administration. There are reports that President Bush is now planning a quick exit from Iraq. He's doing this to avoid a quick exit from the White House. Apparently we're handing over power in Iraq on June 30th. Actually, we're just handing them the leash. They're on their own after that. President Bush's approval rating is at an all-time low right now. In fact, it's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse rate. As you know it's May sweeps - which is a real dilemma for the Bush White House - do they bring out Osama now or wait until November? President Bush was on Arab TV today to talk about the Iraqi POW abuse scandal. President Bush said, "In a democracy, mistakes are investigated." Well, not election mistakes. President Bush was on Arab TV today, condemning the photos of naked Iraqi prisoners: I think he was confused. He started off by wishing the Arab audience a happy Cinco de Mayo. President Bush was on Arabic TV today. It went very well - he raised $3 million dollars. I'm sure you heard by now, John Kerry fell off his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride and fell off in front of the news media. Luckily his hair broke the fall. I guess he lost his balance. And George Bush said "That's why I ride a 3-wheeler. You don't fall off one of those." Now that Google' s stock is coming out, they asked President Bush if he had ever Googled, he said "Every morning with Listerine." This bus Bush is using costs $45,000 per week. You can buy a house for that much money. It used to be a tour bus like what Cher used. They gutted it, reupholstered it and repainted it - oh wait, no, that's what they did to Cher. Presidential campaign is in full swing. Today in New Mexico John Kerry spent some time reading books to small school children. President Bush said, "Showoff!" President Bush is taking a two day bus trip through Michigan. Which should be a pretty good turnout considering no one in Michigan has any jobs. President Bush's bus is a technological marvel. It gets $2 million per gallon. Latest polls have President Bush with a slight lead over Kerry. So today he placed a banner over the White House that says, "Mission Accomplished!" Of course the big story - President Bush said he was "glad" yesterday he took the time to answer 9/11 commission's questions. And bragged he answered "every question". He was able to answer everyone one. President Bush told reporters that he answered every question he was asked. That's something he never did during his years at Yale. Of course he's going to say he answered every question. What else would he say? "I got 6 out of 10. Hopefully they'll grade on the curve." I'm not sure how it went for the president. I understand he used all three of his lifelines on the first question. Rush Limbaugh spoke out on this Iraqi prison picture situation today, he said it's "entirely generated by the media." What is this guy on? Drugs? Donald Rumsfeld testified before congress today. He said he didn't read the report on Iraqi prisoners because it was too long and had to much information. President Bush then said, "Hey that's my line." Yesterday President Bush told Donald Rumsfeld that he was "Doing a superb job." I think the last time a president said that he was looking under his desk. Donald Rumsfeld is in Baghdad today. Sure, he was tired of all the open hostility back in Washington D.C. Earlier today Donald Rumsfeld made a visit to Baghdad to a prison. The visit went well until Rumsfeld pulled out a camera and said, "How about a few pictures?" Who would've ever thought that more nude pictures would have come out under President Bush than under President Clinton? That's quite a story isn't it - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said today these pictures of Iraqi POW's being humiliating are "deeply disturbing". Of course he's going to say that. What else is he going to say? "I thought they were kind of a turn on...." Today Donald Rumsfeld shocked everyone when he said, "Hey, you should have seen the photos we deleted." Didn't make any friends there. I don't want to say there's a lot of pressure on Rumsfeld, but today he asked Dick Cheney if he could borrow one of his "secret, undisclosed locations." President Bush also apologized for the humiliation of Iraqi prisoners. You know those photos showing women soldiers putting naked men into submissive poses. Because you know in the Arab world, this is an outrage. That's almost as big as women driving or voting. Foreign policy experts now say this Iraq prison abuse scandal could be a real setback in relations between American and the Arab countries in the Middle East. And things were going so well. Here's how bad the situation is in Iraq. Supposedly we have 40 rolls of film that we're afraid to pick up from the Fallujah photo mat. More fallout over the prison scandal in Iraq. Over the weekend British Prime Minister Tony Blair apologized for the incident. Apparently some of the prisoners were given British food. Well let's see what happened today - the Bush administration now asking congress for another twenty-five billion for the war in Iraq. I don't know what they're going to be buying with the money, but I think we can rule out more digital cameras! Huh? President Bush said today the election will be decided by the American people. So I guess this time they're actually going to count the votes. That's a good sign. It's a beginning. But today President Bush said the job situation looks good, yeah especially if you're John Kerry. His job situation is starting to look really good. President Bush told unemployed workers today that we're in a "time of transition." if he thinks this is a time of transition just wait till after the election. President Bush invited the World Champion New England Patriots to the White House for the 2nd time on Monday. Here's the interesting part - at this point, the Patriots football team has a better chance of being back in the white house next year than President Bush. The latest out of Washington - in a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle says that American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing the report Senate Republicans said that Daschle makes a good point for a guy that is ugly and probably gay. Cheney underwent a stress test today. The doctor showed him the latest poll numbers. 22nd Psalm for the Bush America Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the party's sake. I do fear the evildoers, for he talkest about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement forever. ---------------------------- The Kennebunkport Hillbilly sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song) Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush. His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush. He drank like a fish while he drove all about. But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out. DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up. Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale. He can't spell his name but they never let him fail. He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk. And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke. Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy. The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam. Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom." Let the common people get maimed and scarred. We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard. Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy. Twenty years later George gets a little bored. He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord. He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be." So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP. Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms. Come November 7, the election ran late. Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!" "Don't let those colored folks get into the polls." So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes. Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade. Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in. Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win." "Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation. And that's how George finally got his coronation. Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority. Y'all come vote now. Ya hear? Paid for by the Katherine Harris Foundation for Corrective Plastic Surgery.